When couples divorce, it is often the children who bear the most emotional scars, lacking the love and support of both parents. Psychologist Nguyen Thi Kim Chi from the Institute of Humanistic Psychology shares her experiences working with those who have suffered in unhappy family environments.
One poignant case is that of T., a woman who has gone through multiple divorces. T. witnessed her father’s infidelity even while her mother was pregnant with her sister. Following her parents' divorce, T. was separated from her paternal family and lost contact with her father. This traumatic childhood experience instilled a deep-seated fear in her.
In her own marriage, T. chose a partner who was less capable than herself, determined to avoid the pain her mother experienced with a more successful husband. Unfortunately, this led to repeated divorces as none of her partners met her expectations.
This narrative highlights the psychological toll children endure when exposed to infidelity, violence, and divorce. Kim Chi emphasizes that children raised in such toxic environments often feel unsafe, which profoundly impacts their psychological development and diminishes their resilience.
Children who witness poor treatment between their parents may develop feelings of resentment and hatred towards one or both parents. “When children see their father mistreat their mother, it’s difficult for them not to harbor negative feelings towards him and vice versa,” Kim Chi explains. Such environments can lead to children becoming easily angered, socially withdrawn, or even oppositional.
As adults, these children may struggle to form healthy relationships and face challenges in their professional lives, as their emotional foundation has been weakened. “A fragile seedling will find it hard to grow into a sturdy tree,” she adds.
Moreover, these children often lose faith in the concept of marriage and in their future partners. They may harbor doubts about the possibility of finding a loyal and kind spouse, influenced by their parents’ tumultuous relationship.
To help children overcome the trauma of parental divorce, Kim Chi suggests that maintaining a respectful and amicable relationship between parents is crucial, even if they no longer live together. It is vital for children to understand that divorce does not equate to a lack of love or respect between their parents.
Many parents who choose to divorce do so because they are no longer compatible but can still maintain a friendly relationship, working together to care for their children. This approach can help children heal and foster a sense of peace regarding their parents’ relationship.
Kim Chi believes that not only parents but also society and schools play a significant role in helping children mend their emotional wounds. Educators can help children understand their parents’ situations, preventing them from falling into resentment or distrust. By recognizing that their parents may have had valid reasons for their separation, children can mitigate the psychological impact of divorce.
She advocates for projects aimed at supporting children’s understanding and healing, helping them grasp their parents’ struggles while ensuring that love remains a constant in their lives. “Friends and relatives should avoid pitying the children, as it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and diminish their strength. It’s essential to foster respect, understanding, and gratitude towards their parents, as this will empower them to thrive and face life confidently,” the expert concludes.