Perfectionism, often seen as a positive trait, can have a dark side, leading to self-criticism, isolation, and even depression and anxiety, according to clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen. In her new book, "How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists," Hendriksen, a faculty member at Boston University and a fellow at Harvard Medical School, explores the nuances of perfectionism and offers practical advice for overcoming its negative effects.
Hendriksen argues that while perfectionism can be beneficial in fostering conscientiousness and achievement, it becomes unhealthy when it leads to over-evaluation, harsh self-criticism, and a constant striving for unattainable standards. "Perfectionism tells us a lie: that we can connect, belong, and be accepted by being good at things through performance," she explains. "But it backfires because when we perform superbly, we might earn admiration, but that's different than acceptance. When we're admired, we're put on a pedestal, but that means we're alone."
Hendriksen highlights the work of Roz Shafran, Zafra Cooper, and Christopher Fairburn, who define clinical perfectionism as a dependence on meeting personally demanding standards, leading to an all-or-nothing evaluation of oneself. This can result in avoidance, procrastination, and self-criticism, creating a vicious cycle of inadequacy. Other problematic manifestations of perfectionism include a focus on rules, a preoccupation with mistakes, social comparison, and perfectionistic self-presentation, which can lead to isolation in relationships.
Hendriksen emphasizes the link between perfectionism and mental health issues like depression and anxiety. The constant striving for unattainable standards can lead to a sense of failure, hopelessness, and helplessness, contributing to depression. Anxiety arises from the over-evaluation of performance, where every event becomes a referendum on one's worth. "Forgive my grammar, but it's when "Did I do good?" means "Am I good?" and "I did bad" means "I am bad," she explains.
To address perfectionism, Hendriksen suggests a shift in perspective. Instead of trying to eliminate self-criticism, she advocates for changing our relationship to it. "We can treat our self-critical thoughts like we treat the music at a coffee shop. It's still there, but we don't have to sing along," she advises. She also emphasizes the importance of focusing on values rather than rules, allowing for personal choice and flexibility. "Values are never coercive, so you freely choose to follow them, and you're likely willing to tolerate some discomfort to do so," she explains.
Hendriksen concludes by emphasizing that overcoming perfectionism doesn't require drastic measures. "Small tweaks are enough. We can aim for being 5 percent more understanding of ourselves, allowing 1 percent mistakes, being 2 percent kinder to ourselves, and that is often enough," she says.